A Formal Apology to Steve Joyce

Dear Steve Joyce,

I owe you a formal apology.  I judged you too harshly  after your appearance on Undercover Boss.  Last week you actually came through for me.  Let me explain.

It was a Tuesday evening when I found myself hungry and exhausted after a full day of driving with my dog.  I was halfway through my move from Dallas to Minneapolis and I hit my driving limit.  I was in the middle of nowhere and needed an economical place to stay – one that would take me AND my dog.  The search engine on my phone directed me to Econolodge, one of your concepts.

I was hesitant at first, Mr. Joyce.  However, I thought back to the Choice Hotels episode of Undercover Boss and I remembered that you really seemed to care about giving your guests a nice, comfortable place to stay.  I figured I owed you another chance.  And I was delirious from sleep deprivation.  I checked in.

The moment I stepped into room 113 of the Econolodge in Kearney, MO I realized I was in a first rate establishment.  The first thing I noticed was the unique location of the smoke detector.  I have been in hotels in which the smoke detectors have gone off, waking me from my slumber.  It was awful! All I wanted to do was sleep!  Thank you for making certain that in the event of a fire my deep sleep would not be disturbed.

The vanity area made me feel like I was in the dressing room of a Hollywood star.  It was lavish, well-lit, and very upscale.

In the bathroom, I noticed another of your safety features.  The typical white surface on the bottom of the tub can be VERY slippery.  Thank you for allowing it to wear away over time and not replacing it.  The hair left by previous guests provided additional traction.

The nightstand let me know how environmentally friendly your hotel is.  Why waste cleaning solution, or even water for that matter, on such an unimportant surface??

Mr. Joyce, the best part of staying in your hotel was the unique decoration.  I think we’re all tired of typical hotel decor.  You know, the floral wallpaper, old-fashioned bed spread, the boring prints of a non-descript landscape….  Thank you for spicing it up.

I must admit, poop on the walls is a pretty progressive approach to interior design, but I think it really worked in this room.  Great idea!

In conclusion, Mr. Joyce, please accept my deepest and most sincere apology for my unkind words.  My stay at your lovely hotel absolutely changed my mind.  Next time I am in Kearney I will be sure to stay again!

Your biggest fan,
Me

The Perfect Sandwich

Recently I have had the pleasure of eating the perfect sandwich.  This particular sandwich was not the creation of a gourmet chef, not on any trendy restaurant menu, and certainly not anything I’d ever heard of before.  My lovely roommate introduced me to it:  the perfect chicken sandwich.  This sandwich is sweet and salty, crunchy and chewy, a little bit spicy, and downright heavenly.  And there is NOTHING fancy about it.  If you are making this sandwich you are NOT about to eat a gourmet feast.  But you ARE about to rock your taste buds.  Here is a step-by-step guide:

 You will need the following ingredients PRIOR TO step 1:

• Rudy’s BBQ Sauce.  Not the Sissy Sauce.  The real stuff.

• Hellmann’s Mayonnaise.  The original and the best.

• Maldon Sea Salt Flakes.  Any substitutes will definitely create an inferior finished product.

If you do not currently have these things in your pantry, you should definitely purchase them.  Definitely.

Step 1:

On the way home from work, grab a loaf of Orowheat Oatnut Bread and a rotisserie chicken (I like to get mine from Tom Thumb – $4.99 with my discount card).

 

Step 2:

Get home, let the dogs out, get your sweatpants on, put your hair in a ponytail, pour a glass of chardonnay, take a sip, and wash your hands.  This step in and of itself will lead to good feelings.

 Step 3:

Carve your rotisserie chicken.  Slice each breast into 3 thick slices.  These will be used for your sandwiches (assuming you’re making two of them).  Do whatever you want with the dark meat.  I like to set mine aside for chicken soup (either later in the evening or the next day).

 Step 4:

Assemble your sandwiches.  Slather mayo on one side of the bread and pour your Rudy’s on the other side.  Lay 3 thick slices of chicken breast on the bread, sprinkle with the sea salt, put the sandwich together, and slice diagonally.

 Step 5:

Serve and enjoy.  This sandwich is not to be served on an actual plate.  It is best enjoyed on a napkin, eaten on the couch while watching Big Bang Theory, Medium, Weeds, or some other show not about food or dieting.

Nutritional Values:

1,000,000 Calories

1 Splash of Spicy BBQ

A dash of sweet bread

2 parts creamy mayonnaise

A pinch of crunchy, textured sea salt

 Culinary amazingness – without question.

Shower Leftovers

Today I co-hosted a baby shower.  We split up the tasks according to our areas of expertise, which basically meant my roommate and I came up with food and drinks, and our friend Marci was in charge of decorations.

I have been to a plethora of showers as I’m sure you have too.  I have a pretty prescribed definition of things that happen at a shower and what the shower should look like.  In my opinion it was lovely.  Here are some pictures.

Now here is the question: what on earth do I do with all these leftovers??!!  Evidently I served vegetables for a hundred hungry soldiers and only a dozen lovely ladies ladies snacked on them.  So I blanched and froze a bunch of carrots and cauliflower, I set aside a tray for a veggie pizza tomorrow night, but here’s what I have left:
Mushrooms
Pea Pods
A MILLION cherry tomatoes

Can someone please clue me in on what to do with the leftovers?  I can’t handle the thought of zillions of expensive veggies rotting in my fridge….

Thanks for any ideas you can provide.